Do not be a Rescuer
ABOUT YOUR LEADERSHIP
DO NOT BE A RESCUER!
A Triangle of Lies
A Good leader leads rather than rescues
The root of the word facilitation is the root word: “facil,” or easy, so facilitation means “to make it easy.” The role of the facilitator in small group recovery leadership is to facilitate the work of the Holy Spirit.
These systems (family, work, church, the center etc.) expect you to act out a particular role for the system’s benefit, regardless of the repercussions for you. This places you in danger of becoming a rescuer.
The triangle’s three sides depict a complex interplay between the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor. Blame and guilt are the ingredients that fuel the process.
The Persecutor position is the key role in the Triangle because it is the position the others revolve around.
The Rescuer position, or good guy, tries to alleviate guilt (being bad) by doing something good. selfish (endorsed by church and family) by helping.
The Persecutor role, or the bad guy, is the villain.
1. THE TRIANGLE IS BASED ON LIES.
2. ALL SHOULD-OF’s COULD-OF’s and WOULD-OF’s ARE A LIE
3. ALL ROLES IN THE TRIANGLE CAUSE PAIN
4. THERE IS NO POWER IN THE TRIANGLE
5. EVERYONE HAS A PREFERRED STARTING POSITION
6. ONCE IN THE PROCESS, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY PLAY ALL ROLES
7. GUILT IS THE EXPERIENCE THAT HOOKS
8. THE ESCAPE HATCH IS THROUGH THE PERSECUTOR ROLE
9. YOU CAN PLAY THE TRIANGLE ALONE, WITH YOURSELF
10. YOUR INTERNALIZED “SHOULD-ER” IS THE VOICE THAT PULLS YOU IN
11. BEING IN THE TRIANGLE IS NOT BEING ALIVE
12. SUICIDE IS THE ULTIMATE VICTIM ACT
13.TELLING THE TRUTH AND EXPERIENCING YOUR EMOTIONS ARE THE ONLY WAY OUT
So how do we get there from here?
a. Commit to being honest with yourself about your feelings
b. Define yourself, your boundaries; express your feelings and beliefs
c. Change your self talk – avoid shoulds; choose wants
d. Take personal responsibility for your circumstances – don’t blame
e. Take the risk of authenticity, allowing others to have their own view of you
f. Recognize your preferred entry point; be alert to the hooks from those you live with
g. Guilt is the signal – to stay out, give yourself permission to feel guilty without acting
h. Learn to feel uncomfortable – it will pass
i. Remember shoulds are all lies – they are someone’s interpretation of you
j. Being alive is to face what is; feeling what there is including pain and love
k. Truth about your feelings and thoughts without imposing them on others is your escape
1. Don’t stuff, ignore, disassociate or deny your feelings
2. Take responsibility for your feelings
3. “Running” your feelings, making them right
4. You can only complete them if they are fully experienced
5. All your emotions need to be distinguished, experienced and expressed
6. Take responsibility for your feelings; they aren’t anyone else’s
7. Be patient with the process; it isn’t linear
Have you ever been someone’s rescuer?
Did it help or harm the individual?
Do you understand that to be an effective small group facilitator, you cannot become someone’s rescuer?
Who is the person’s healer?
WHo is the person’s rescuer?
How can you redirect a victim who wants you to be his rescuer to truth vs a lie?
NEXT: Complete our end of Chapter One quiz and then move into Chapter Two to learn about the clients you will be serving.